Garing

 How to be a Successful Evil Overlord
by Peter Anspach

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice.  It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours.  However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end.  I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time.  With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord 

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity.  It will be in my safe-deposit box.  The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"  I'll say, "No." and shoot him.  No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary.  If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push".  The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.  Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority.  Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.  The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down.  If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable.  I will set it to activate when the counter reaches  117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son.  Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter.  She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter.  When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use.  That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be!  I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me.  Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important.  All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies.  For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death.  My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am.  Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier.  Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.  Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake.  It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee.  In the old days they made you look diabolic.  Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell.  If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting.  If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money.  Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization.  For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man.  What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness.  Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it.  Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror.  However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship.  Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using.  If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used.  Note:  This also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?"  I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room.  That room will be the Execution Chamber.  The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so.  However, the offer is good one time only.  If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm.  All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals.  Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two.  They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge.  I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff.  (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse."  Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button/"
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable.  After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished.  It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.  (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will  not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards.  That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities.  If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them.  However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

Who can make me feel like a woman?

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands
up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she
wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the
plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and
blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning
his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple
across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers.

"Iron this. Then get me a beer."

Best Excuses if you get caught sleeping at your desk....

"In Jesus Name. Amen!"

" They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

" This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

" Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. "

" I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

" This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"

" I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

" Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

" I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

" Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

" The coffee machine is broke...."

" Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

" Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

" Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

" Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

Inexperienced Curry Taster

Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable   kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the   cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and   peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Talking Condom Emergency

President Bush called Tony Blair with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"George, the British people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime minister.

"I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly!  I'll get right on it!" said Blair.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bush.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Bush.

"No problem," replied the Prime minister and, with that, Blair hung up and called the President of Durex. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."

"Consider it done," said the President of Durex.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the Prime minister, "print 'MADE IN UNITED KINGDOM, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Jika Bill Gates jadi Menteri - Umum

Presiden berencana akan mengganti beberapa menteri di jajaran kabinetnya. Untuk mengantisipasi perkembangan teknologi informasi di Indonesia, bagaimana jika
presiden menunjuk Bill Gates yang baru saja mundur sebagai CEO Microsoft sebagai Menristek?

Berikut ini adalah beberapa tanggapan yang diambil dari beberapa mailing list..

   1. Mas Bill bakal mengusulkan supaya FreeCell, Solitaire, dan Minesweeper dipertandingkan di PON
   2. Setiap Warga Negara Indonesia akan mempunyai alamat email di Hotmail dan alamat tsb tercantum dlm KTP
3. Akan dibuat pasal baru yg berbunyi "Setiap PC dan Operating System selain MS Windows di dalamnya, dikuasai oleh negara dan dipergunakan untuk sebesar-besarnya kemakmuran rakyat"
   4. Istilah RUU akan dirubah menjadi Undang-Undang Beta Ver. dan UU yang sudah disahkan DPR menjadi UU Final Retail Ver.
   5. Di layar TVRI bisa kita scrolling layarnya dan dibagian bawahnya ada tulisan "Best Viewed with 800x600"
   6. Menghentikan demo mahasiswa cukup tekan alt+f4 dan untuk menghentikan kerusuhan tekan ctrl+alt+del
   7. Kantor Microsoft di Seattle dipindahkan ke Sentul
   8. Sidang-sidang kabinet cukup lewat MS NetMeeting, 'gak usah ke Binagraha (ngirit duit)
   9. Cak Bill akan mengubah ICMI yd dibuat pendahulunya menjadi Ikatan Cendekiawan Microsoft Indonesia
  10. Jangan-jangan akan muncul e-corruption
  11. Menristek akan diubah menjadi Men-Soft-Tek
  12. Dengan munculnya Bill Gates, Baligate dan Lippogate bakal cepat diungkap tuntas
  13. Menggunakan Netscape bisa-bisa dianggap "Illegal Operation" dan dijerat dengan pasal-pasal subversi
  14. PT Kantor Pos Indonesia diubah menjadi PT Hotmail!
  15. Televisi kita, apabila ditinggal sebentar, akan muncul screen savernya
  16. Headline sebuah surat kabar "Windows NT 6.0 dipesan Thailand, untuk ditukar dengan beras"
  17. Proyek pesawat N-250 akan diubah namanya menjadi NT-250 yang dilengkapi fasilitas feature "Plug and Play"
  18. Microsoft akan menjadi BUMN dan pengelolaan sahamnya diurus oleh BPPN
  19. Mahasiswa akan sulit untuk membeli Windows bajakan
  20. Ruangan-ruangan di Indonesia akan ebih sejuk karena memakai Windows
  21. Institusi pemerintah akan memaik o/s (operating system) ber-platform Windows, sedangkan oposisi memakai Linux
  22. Java Script akan menjadi bahasa nasional
  23. WNI menjadi Windows Negara Indonesia
  24. Pada setiap komputer perwira POLRI dan TNI akan selalu muncul "It is now ok to shut down your Corruptor and Provicateur"
  25. Setiap Keputusan Menteri, PP, dll akan diberi Certificate of Authencity berikut serial number-nya
  26. Supaya negara aman, Bill Gates akan menyarankan pemerintahan berjalan "Safe Mode"
  27. Ijazah yang berlaku untuk BPPT, IPTN, PAL, dan yang lainnya hanyalah Microsoft Certificate Engineer
  28. Gak perlu repot-repot untuk nyoblos pas Pemilu, cukup ke website pemilu
  29. Negara Repblik Indonesia diganti menjadi Negara E-Republic Windowsnesia
  30. Kantor Menristek perlu tambahan supir karena setiap penambahan aparat memerlukan "Driver"
  31. Prosedur Operasi Rempur TNI berbasis Windows sehingga sering muncul "Illegal Operation"
  32. Bahasa resmi negara adalah Vbasic dan VBScript adalah bahasa pengantar di sekolah dasar
  33. Produknya berupa peraturan dengan versi 1.0, 1.1 dst, dan setiap penggunanya dikenakan lisensi per pemakai
  34. Peraturan Pemerintah setiap 3 bulan sekali akan selalu di-update dari PP 1/2000 menjadi PP 1/2000 SE (Second Edition)
  35. Akan ada TVRI versi 1.1, TVRI versi 1.2, RRI versi 2.5 dll
  36. Akan ada keputusan Menteri Final Preview
  37. Semua Paket Kebijaksanaan Pemerintah akan diberi versi dan akan selalu dikeluarkan bug fixed dan service pack
38. Windows akan bebas di-download di Indonesia dan berfungsi sebagai public domain, sementara distribusi Linux akan dikenakan PPN BM
  39. Semua pesawat IPTN akan ditempeli stiker "MS Windows Compatible"
  40. Fasilitas ctrl+alt+del akan ditemui di Gedung MPR/DPR
  41. Siapa "provokator" tinggal ketik nama atau initialnya lalu klik search, dan provokator itu akan langsung ketangkap
  42. Bill Gates jadi Menristek bakal banyak bugs-nya, jadi mesti di patch uland dengan service pack 7 or higher

A Male Blonde Jokes - Jokes

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING."WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.

"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN. HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN, STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.

"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S  HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND  NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!" 

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint,

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far ass-kissing will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hardwork and Knowledge
will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass-Kissing will put you over the top!

A sticky situation?

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

doctor n mechanic...(joke)

A Mechanic's Work
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one.

So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ..... He said : "Try to do it when the engine is running".

Why Lawyers Will Never Rule the World...

These were actual questions posed by lawyers during court hearings.

   1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
   2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
   3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
   4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
   5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
   6. "Did he kill you?"
   7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
   8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
   9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

  10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

  11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "How many were boys?"
      A: "None."
      Q: "Were there any girls?"

  12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

  13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
      A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
      Q: "And you took your new wife?"

  14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
      A: "By death."
      Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

  15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
      A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
      Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

  16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
      A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

  17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
      A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

  18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
      A: "Oral."

  19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
      A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
      Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
      A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

  20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
      A: "I have been since early childhood."

Stupid Question & Smart Answer!!!

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a
ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest
couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one
ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes
in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm
ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and
no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list
again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the
sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we
need it but the sun gives us light only in the day
time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who
keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my
father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my
father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,
past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating
a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you
say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my
recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records
show that nine out of ten people die of the disease
you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The
others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got
married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only
chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also
admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish
him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe
in is hand."

Bukan Pendeta

Seorang laki-laki sedang mengendarai mobilnya ketika tiba-tiba saja mobilnya mogok tepat di depan sebuah biara. Hari sudah gelap dan biara itu berada di sebuah pegunungan. Lelaki itu memutuskan untuk masuk ke biara untuk meminta pertolongan, maka diketuknya pintu biara dan ia berkata kepada para pendeta yang membukakan pintu, "Maaf permisi, mobil saya mogok, dan hari sudah malam, apakah saya boleh menginap disini satu malam saja!"

Para pendeta itu dengan ramah menyambutnya, menyediakan makanan, bahkan memperbaiki mobilnya. Ketika si lelaki itu sudah hampir tertidur, tiba-tiba didengarnya suara yang sangat aneh.

Keesokan paginya dia bertanya ke para pendeta mengenai suara aneh yang didengarnya semalam. Tapi mereka berkata, "Maaf kami tidak dapat memberitahukan anda, sebab anda bukan pendeta". Si lelaki agak kecewa, tapi bagaimanapun dia tetap berterima kasih dan kembali meneruskan perjalanannya.

Beberapa tahun kemudian, lelaki yang sama mengalami kejadian yang sama pula, kendaraannya mogok di depan biara yang sama. Para pendeta kembali menyambutnya dengan sangat ramah, menyediakan makanan dan memperbaiki mobilnya, ketika si lelaki hampir tertidur, dia kembali mendengar suara aneh yang sama seperti yang di dengarnya beberapa tahun lalu.

Maka keesokan paginya lelaki itu kembali bertanya pada para pendeta dan kembali pula pendeta-pendeta itu berkata, "Maaf kami tidak dapat memberitahukan anda, sebab anda bukan pendeta".

Si lelaki benar-benar penasaran, lalu dia menjawab, "Okey ....okey saya sudah tidak tahan lagi, kalau satu-satunya cara untuk tahu suara apa yang saya dengar itu adalah dengan menjadi pendeta, baiklah, tolong beritahu saya bagaimana caranya menjadi pendeta!"

Salah seorang Pendeta menjawab, "Kamu harus berkeliling dunia dan sekembalinya, kamu harus bisa memberitahu kami berapa persisnya jumlah daun dan jumlah butiran pasir di bumi ini, jika kamu sudah berhasil mendapatkan jumlah itu, maka kamu akan menjadi pendeta."

Maka si lelaki itu melaksanakan tugasnya, setelah empat puluh lima tahun, dia kembali dan mengetuk pintu biara, dia berkata, "Saya sudah berkeliling dunia dan telah menghitung sepanjang perjalanan saya, saya juga terus bertanya kepada setiap orang yang saya jumpa, terdapat 145.236.284.232 helai daun dan 231.281.219.999.129.382 butir pasir di bumi ini."

Para pendeta menjawab, "Selamat, kamu sekarang adalah seorang pendeta, oleh karena itu kami akan menunjukkan pada kamu jalan menuju suara yang kamu dengar dahulu."

Para pendeta membimbing lelaki itu ke sebuah pintu kayu, lalu pimpinan pendeta berkata, "Suara itu berasal persis di balik pintu ini."

Si lelaki meraih pegangan pintu, namun ternyata pintu itu terkunci, lalu dia berkata, "Ini lucu, tapi saya lagi tidak ingin bercanda, tolong berikan saya kuncinya."

Pemimpin pendeta memberikan kunci, lalu lelaki itu membuka pintu. Dibalik pintu kayu ternyata ada pintu lain, sebuah pintu batu, kembali si lelaki meminta kunci, pendeta memberikan kunci, dan si lelaki membuka pintu, dan ternyata dibalik pintu batu, masih ada pintu yang lain, sebuah pintu dari emas, kembali si lelaki meminta kunci, membuka pintu, lalu menemukan pintu yang lain, yaitu yang terbuat dari perak, begitu terus yang terjadi, pintu dari permata, pintu dari perunggu, pintu tembaga....hingga akhirnya para pendeta berkata, "Ini adalah kunci terakhir untuk pintu yang terakhir."

Lelaki itu akhirnya lega setelah capai dengan penantian. Dibukanya pintu terakhir yang terbuat dari tanah liat, menyentuh pegangan pintu dan terpana luar biasa begitu melihat sumber suara yang telah membuatnya penasaran bertahun-tahun.

Tahukah anda sumber suara tersebut, dengan sangat terpaksa saya tidak dapat mengatakan pada Anda, karena anda bukan seorang pendeta!.

Are my testicles black?

A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"

If Microsoft Made Cars...

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At COMDEX recently, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. Oh yeah, and last but not least . . . you'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off!

if u didn't notice earlier

just in case u didn't notice the first blog i put, all of this joke i get from kaskus.us...

The Ladder to Success

A man was walking along on Jalan Kuningan when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, there was Dewi Hughes sitting on a huge sofa. "Screw me or climb the ladder up to success. But you may not climb back down after me", she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder up to the next cloud.

On this cloud there was Cut Memey, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me or climb the ladder up to success. But you may not climb back down after me", she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was Dian Sastro, this time, she looked really pretty in a white long dress.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder up to success. But you may not climb back down after me", she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud there was Mariana Renata in bikini. Slim, attractive and yet so hot, it's everything he could want. "Screw me or climb the ladder up to success. But you may not climb back down after me" she flirted.

The man felt giddy. Unable to imagine what could be waiting on the next cloud, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a big ugly bald man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.

"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello. I am Cess!", said the ugly fat man, "You may not climb back down"

Bos VS Staff

Bila boss tetap pada pendapatnya,
itu berarti beliau konsisten.
Bila staf tetap pada pendapatnya,
itu berarti dia keras kepala !

Bila boss berubah-ubah pendapat,
itu berarti beliau flexible.
Bila staf berubah-ubah pendapat,
itu berarti dia plin-plan !

Bila boss bekerja lambat,
itu berarti beliau teliti.
Bila staf bekerja lambat
itu berarti dia tidak 'perform' !

Bila boss bekerja cepat,
itu berarti beliau 'smart'.
Bila staf bekerja cepat,
itu berarti dia terburu-buru !

Bila boss lambat memutuskan,
itu berarti beliau hati-hati.
Bila staf lambat memutuskan,
itu berarti dia 'telmi' !

Bila boss mengambil keputusan cepat,> itu berarti beliau berani mengambil keputusan.
Bila staf mengambil keputusan cepat,
itu berarti dia gegabah !

Bila boss terlalu berani ambil resiko,
itu berarti beliau risk-taking.
Bila staf terlalu berani ambil resiko,
itu berarti dia sembrono !

Bila boss tidak berani ambil resiko,
itu berarti beliau 'prudent'.
Bila staf tidak berani ambil resiko,
itu berarti dia tidak berjiwa bisnis !

Bila boss mem-by-pass prosedur,
itu berarti beliau proaktif-inovatif.
Bila staf mem-by-pass prosedur,
itu berarti dia melanggar aturan !

Bila boss curiga terhadap mitra bisnis,
itu berarti beliau waspada.
Bila staf curiga terhadap mitra bisnis,
itu berarti dia negative thinking !

Bila boss menyatakan : " Sulit "
itu berarti beliau prediktif-antisipatif.
Bila staf menyatakan : " Sulit "
itu berarti dia pesimistik !

Bila boss menyatakan : " Mudah "
itu berarti beliau optimis.
Bila staf menyatakan : " Mudah "
itu berarti dia meremehkan masalah !

Bila boss sering keluar kantor,
itu berarti beliau rajin ke customer
Bila staf sering keluar kantor,
itu berarti dia sering kelayapan !

Bila boss sering entertainment,
itu berarti beliau rajin me-lobby customer.
Bila staf sering entertainment,
itu berarti dia menghamburkan anggaran !

Bila boss tidak pernah entertainment,
itu berarti beliau berhemat.
Bila staf tidak pernah entertainment,
itu berarti dia tidak bisa me-lobby customer !

Bila boss men-service atasan,
itu berarti beliau me-lobby.
Bila staf men-service atasan,
itu berarti dia menjilat !

Bila boss sering tidak masuk,
itu berarti beliau kecapaian karena kerja keras.
Bila staf sering tidak masuk,
itu berarti dia pemalas !

Bila boss minta fasilitas mewah,
itu berarti beliau menjaga citra perusahaan.
Bila staf minta fasilitas standar,
itu berarti dia banyak menuntut !

TERNYATA ROKOK TIDAK BERBAHAYA

Banyak orang menghawatirkan bahaya rokok dan menakutinya ,tapi setelah
diselidiki oleh beberapa pakar dalam bidangnya ternyata rokok itu sama
sekali tidak berbahaya. Kemudian para pakar sepakat untuk membuktikan nya dengan mengambil d ari beberapa hikayat pada zaman dahulu kala dimana pada waktu itu nenek moyang kitapun telah membuktikannya melalui beberapa percobaan, buktinya 10tahun aja seperti cerita di bawah ini, dia sehat walafiat aja..... baca deh........
   Untuk lebih jelasnya dapat dibuktikan lewat penemuan oleh beberapa dr ahli
dibawah ini:

Pada zaman dahulu kala, ada 3 orang dokter. Mereka selalu bersama kemana saja mereka pergi. Tapi ke-tiga2nya memiliki kegemaran berlainan.

   A dr Jon Poni (suka main perempuan).
     B dr Jon Joni (suka minum minuman keras).
C dr Jon Doni (suka segala jenis rokok) .

Suatu h ari ketiga sahabat ini berjalan jalan tanpa tujuan.Tiba2 ketiganya
bertemu dengan sebuah ketel/kendi (seperti cerita Aladin). Lalu salah
seorang mengambilnya lalu meng-gosok2kan ketel tersebut. Sejurus kemudian asap keluar d ari corong ketel tersebut dan secara perlahan berganti menjadi satu makluk yang menyeramkan yakni seekor/seorang (?) jin yang ganas.Lalu jin tersebut tertawa: "Ha ha ha ." dan berkata "Akulah Jin Ifrit ! Karena kamu telah membebaskan aku d ari ketel itu maka aku akan tunaikan apa saja permintaan kamu sekalian. !!" Ketiga sahabat yang pada mulanya panik dan takut menjadi gembira lalu termenung dan berpikir tentang peluang dan kemauan masing2 yang mungkin sekali dalam seumur hidup. Lalu mereka memilih kemauan mengikuti kegemaran masing2.

Berkata si A,"Aku mau perempuan2 muda d ari berbagai bangsa di seluruh
dunia dan letakkan dalam sebuah gua tertutup dan jangan ganggu aku selama 10 tahun."Pufff ........!! dengan sekejap mata jin itu menyempurnakan permintaan si A.

Berkata si B,"Aku mau semua jenis arak d ari seluruh dunia untuk bekal
selama sepuluh tahun dan letakkan dalam sebuah gua tertutup dan jangan ganggu aku selama 10 tahun." Pufff ........ !! dengan sekejap mata jin itu
menyempurnakan permintaan si B.

Berkata pula si C,"Aku mau semua jenis rokok d ari seluruh dunia untuk
bekal selama sepuluh tahun dan letakkan dalam sebuah gua tertutup dan jangan ganggu aku selama 10 tahun." Pufff .......... !! dengan sekejap mata jin itu menyempurnakan permintaan si C.

Setelah genap 10 tahun, maka jin tersebut muncul kembali untuk membuka
pintu gua masing2 sebagaimana yang dijanjikan. Maka jin tersebut pergi membuka pintu gua si A, ketika dibuka maka keluarlah si A dengan keadaan kurus kering, berdiri pun tidak bisa karena tidak sanggup untuk menggerakkan lutut sebab h ari 2 hanya memuaskan nafsu dengan
perempuan.Tiba2 si A pun jatuh ketanah lalu mati !!

Setelah itu jin tersebut pergi ke gua si B, ketika pintu dibuka maka
keluarlah si B dengan perut yang sangat buncit karena setiap hari mabuk2an. Jalan pun ter-huyung2. Tiba2 si B pun jatuh ketanah lalu mati !!

Setelah itu jin pergi ke gua si C dan membuka pintu gua. Tiba2 si C keluar
dalam keadaan sehat walafiat dan terus MENAMPAR si jin. Sambil me-maki2 si  jin ia berkata :

JIN GOBLOOOKK ...!!!! KOREKNYA MANA ...???!!!

DINA

Dengan suara keras, pintu kamar dibuka dengan paksa hingga membangunkan

sepasang suami istri yang sedang tidur lelap di dalamnya.
Seorang lelaki dengan wajah garang menodongkan senjata tajam ke arah si

istri.

"Sebelum kamu mati kubunuh, sebutkan namamu!" kata garong tersebut.
"Puuspiiita Saari Inhndah Dwi Setiyarini Diiinawati Haaandayani,"

jawabnya, sambil mencoba tegar.

"Haa ... panjang amat namanya, bagaimana cara memanggilnya!!!" bentak

garong.

"Na... nama sa... saya... Dina," jawab perempuan tersebut dengan

gemetar.

"Dina...? Kok sama dengan nama ibuku. Aku tidak bisa membunuhmu," kata

kata si garong.

Ia lalu mendekati si suami dan sambil menodongkan senjatanya ia

berkata, "Hei, Sebutkan namamu! Aku harus tahu nama setiap orang yang

menjadi korbanku."

Dengan wajah pucat si suami menjawab, "Namaku Dani, tapi ... semua

orang memanggilku Dina ...."

Akal2an

akal2an

---

Disuatu senja yg indah seorang pemuda lagi duduk2 nongkrong ditepi jalan. ngga lama lewat cwe cantik bahenol banget seksi abis deh. si pemuda mulai naek turun nafasnya. lalu...:
pemuda:"hai cwe boleh donk abang tepuk pantatnya yg seksi itu.
karuan aja si cewe marah karna mrasa dilecehkan.
cwe:"kurang ajar jga tuh mulut jgn sampai gua hajar"
pemuda:"ala dikit aja,..abang bayar deh satu juta sekali tepuk"
sicewe mulai mikir wah satu juta boleh juga nih cuma skali tepuk ini..
cewe:"ok deh gw mau tapi ngga disini"
setelah mencari tempat yg sepi dipojokan mulailah sicewe menghadapkan pantatnya yg seksi. sipemuda mulai siap2 menepuk dengan mengusap2 pantat cewe itu sambil merem melek. stelah lama diusap2 ngga ditepuk tepuk tuh pantat sicewe protes....
cewe:"hei lo jadi jadi kgak tepuk pantat gw dari tadi cuma diusapusap aja"
dengan tenangnya pemuda menjawab
pemuda:"klo aja gua punya duit satu juta udah gua tepuk nih pantat .."
he..he..he..
cewe:"?!1$&*.....

from :kaskus.us

asal mula kata jayus...

bermula di suatu desa yang mengadakan lomba panco.....juaranya bernama Jay....kebetulan sekali, dari Amerika...orang2 memanggilnya Jay the US man...seiring perjalanan waktu, dia lebih dikenal sebagai Jayusman....akhirnya di absorbsi jadi bahasa Indonesia deh JAYUS...

ga ngerti fungsi blog

nih blog buat apa sih, dari pada ga kepake mumpung gratis saya jadikan buat naro yg garing2, smua yg garing2 ini saya ambil dari kaskus.us (alamat baru kaskus.com).. ato web site laen ya wis